Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
