My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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