You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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