Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
