The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize