So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
