highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
worst night to have a conscience
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
