he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
