Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
