I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
