The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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