im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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