planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
