so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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