guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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