My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
