so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
