The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
