i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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