I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize