sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
