I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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