I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
