i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's blow job season.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
