Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
