The maid of honor just puked.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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