You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
