I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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