you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
