I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
