He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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