Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
from now on my penis is your penis
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
God, I missed his penis.
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