GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
handjob tips. give me some.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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