I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
