Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize