Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You made out with two different species that night
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
