a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
MIDGETS
????
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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