i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
