She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
