Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
