Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
