Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
