my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
