I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
