Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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