You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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