I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
