No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize