glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
