pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
