All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
