Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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