yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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