Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
