sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We had sex on a dog bed..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
