Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Randomize
