If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
